Nightlife
Originally published on Friday, 25th April 2008
Cheers. This Round's on Me.
The papers have been bleating recently about how four pubs are closing down on average every day, and we're consequently losing our heritage.
What bollocks. There are 57,000 pubs left in Britain, and I reckon half of them deserve to close down.
Let's face it - we've moved on - pubs haven't. Unless your idea of a good time is sticky carpets, a soundtrack of mindless supermarket techno that not even the pimply staff (let alone the resident alkies) enjoys, and drinks that suggest the last forty years never happened. So we're campaigning to Shut Down London's Crap Pubs.
The Contenders:
· Any pub with a flat roof. The estate lads know you're not local, and the silent stares are worthy of a Western on entry. Should you visit by mistake, remember, a vodka and coke = cocktail = a poof's drink = a kicking.
· UJ's lady writers have been lobbying for all Wetherspoons to be shut down, but at least the Gents don't make your eyes water. So, they're on remand.
· The Tottenham, Oxford Street's only pub - say no more.
· Tiger Tiger might not think it's a pub, but it is. Officially the most violent venue in the UK. Clueless, classless bridge 'n tunnel wannabees.
· The Greyhound, Kensal Green - full of fat, charmless denim-clad Dads on BMXs. Time to grow up and give up the gak.
· The Old Blue Last, Old Street - same as above but younger, samier, and dirtier.
· Every pub on Upper Street with the exception of the truly surreal White Swan, where the interior combines 70s African dictator chic, Hatfield Travelodge, and a Dakotan Diner. And it's still crap.