Articles
Originally published on Friday, 4th April 2008
Emma Does the Osteopath
When Melissa emailed me to confirm my latest appointment this week, I was a little confused when she told me I'd better wear "big pants". Surely, she knew, as a lingerie company owner all of my briefs are, well, brief. So I basically ignored the email. Stupid me.
When I arrived at the studio, there was already an advanced Pilates class in place. I was a bit confused until the teacher pointed me to the private studio. Seemingly, today, I was meeting the osteopath, Andy Graham.
Now, for those of you who don't know, an osteopath is a little like a chiropractor. Essentially, they believe that many maladies are derived from imbalances in the musculoskeletal system, and by correcting them - through exercise, stretching, massage and manipulation - people can live healthier lives. By working in tandem with the team at Kinesis, Andy could properly diagnose any existing problems I might have, as well as prevent me from injuring myself in the future.
I get really excited about appointments like this. I think I would have made a really good doctor, if I could have outsourced the studying. And people always tell me I have good posture. And even better, since I spent my entire youth avoiding sports of any kind, I've never injured anything in my body. I'm pristine, basically. Well, muscularly, at least.
So I was pretty confident that I'd sail through this examination with flying colours. What I wasn't expecting was that I'd have to get naked to do it. There are very few things I undress for. Most, if not all, of them begin with "s". None involve getting my body inspected by a stranger in a mirrored room under florescent lighting. Even if Andy did seem like a really nice bloke. No wonder Melissa warned me to wear large knickers.
After negotiating just how much I would take off (very little, in the end. It's probably best: certain parts of my skin have never seen daylight and can therefore blind a man) Andy set to work diagnosing my muscular and skeletal problems. I'm lumbardic. I knew that - having a sticky-out bum might not be skeletally perfect, but it's what strippers strive for, so whatever. Also, one side of my neck is more muscular than the other. Disgusting. My left foot tilts inwards and there is a whole area of my back muscles which I never use, so they are therefore underdeveloped. Alarmingly, I also have an inability to hold my head up straight.
But, overall, I don't really have much to worry about. I'm built strong, just like my peasanty Irish ancestors. Which is good. Because next week I start Gyrotonics.
