This weekend we urge you, in the spirit of the US Presidential Election, to get down and dirty. Whether it's fighting dirty over Diesel, joining freakshow gimps at the Bizarre Ball, or indulging in the filthiest British tradition of all; knitting, let's show those Yanks how it's really done. Needles at the ready kids, it's go time.

This weekend's guide is brought to you in association with Paul Smith and his new Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia, Volume III. UJ editors aren't adverse to a little body art, and who better than the perennially fashionable Smithy, bringer of cool fashions and collections of curiosities to present this timely tome.

Bizarre Ball
No, not a ball without tuxes and cheese on a stick you straight-laced lot, though those who actually find that bizarre should probably look away now. Jonny Woo hosts, Dr Haze blends horror and humour, Lucha Britannia present a masked cabaret, and Pariah Circus' freakshow assassins and gimps undermine the hypocrisy of suburban sexuality. Electric Eel Shock and The Priscillas provide the tunes while you get your freak on.

Kimono Krush
My only engagement in a Kimono Krush was at my graduation. The adjacent be-kimonoed Japanese girl realised at the last moment that I had resided my buttocks for far too long on the wrong side of her 'mono. To apologize for the apparent glaring folding-infringement, I'm treating her to this heady cocktail of indie-pop dirty disco with DJ Jim Stanton of Horse Meat Disco, performances from Gay Bingo's Ma Butcher and Glasto's Jon Sizzle. Everyone loves a bit of camp sleaze.

City Lights
Ah, West End clubbing. Whatever happened to it, eh? One minute there was The End, then the next minute it, er, ended. But now, following the party precedent set by favourite nights like NagNagNag and Trash, this new second Friday bash promises to bring you lashings of the finest DJs and live acts who dabble in, out, and around the realms of disco, electro, and house for your partying pleasure. Viva W1.

Life Along The Borderline - A Tribute to Nico
I had imagined that Borderline was strictly Madge's territory circa 1984; so who is this Nico creature? Like a Lohan of yore, she sung, acted, modeled, and whirled the social circuits as a Warhol Superstar. But she is perhaps best known for her time in the Velvet Underground, and so John Cale presents this tribute alongside re-imagined songs from The Manic Street Preachers and The Guillemots. Madonna clearly wasn't available.

Justin Bond: Lustre
Life losing its lustre as Winter sets in as you're huddled over your keyboard in mittens? Yeah, us too. Which is why we're pretty sure downtown New York transgender icon Justin Bond will bring some heat back to Soho with his queer cabaret, deadpan wit and special guest performances. We're just hoping the skimpy outfits and emotional nakedness are a requirement for the stage only. Brrr.

Be at Proud
Another night of fabulous live music at one of London's favourite venues, tonight's line up includes a world exclusive with Kissy Sell Out's first ever London gig right before his show on Radio1 and the launch of his new album. Other acts on the roster include Rogues ethereal dreamy-looking rock'n'roll, Stones Throw Records' luminary James Pants, and Dazed & Confused favourite Dell.

Reggae Roast
If ever there was an antidote to the highly strung British Roast, it has to be the laid back, ganja-faux-fuelled chill-fest that is the Reggae Roast. This month features UK Dancehall Don Sir David "Ram Jam" Rodigan, alongside DJs Moodie, Louis Slipperz and Joe Lickshot for another bass-heavy, killer mix of Roots, Dub, Dancehall and Ska. You won't even care if your puds aren't perfect. Irie.

National Knitting Week: Sunday Knit Roas
Would you believe it's that time of year again? No silly, not Halloween, or even Christmas - though the shops would have us believe Santa already has one leg down the chimney - but National Knitting Week. Join this pub meet to crochet, purl, and knit your way around a full roast, chats and drinks. No hanky panky with the needles though: that includes your rubbish walrus impression, understood?

Alan Aldridge: The Man With the Kaleidoscope Eyes
Kaleidoscopes. Fun: yes. Nostalgic: certainly. But would you enjoy the multicoloured, fragmented vision on tap? Alan Aldridge has no choice in the matter, figuratively speaking, as his retrospective opens this weekend, featuring everything from Rolling Stone album covers, illustrations from The Butterfly Ball, and lyric books for the Beatles in his signature, psychedelic style. He'll be the man wandering around in sunglasses.